My Personal Transformation as an Estranged Mother, from Deep Grief, Heartbreak and Devastation to the gifts of Peace, Wholeness & Loving Myself - Wow. This can be your experience too. Let me take your hand and I will Guide you.
Today I wanted to share my experience of being estranged and the transformation that I've been able to come to. And I know the transformation that we so desire as estranged parents is that our child reconciles with us and that we come back to this place having a wonderful relationship with them again. And I so desire that for you and I so desire that for myself. Yet this sharing is not about that. I am in different Facebook estranged groups and I notice that so many of us are in deep pain and suffering as the years go by. My intention of sharing my story with you, is to bring maybe some pieces that may assist you with your journey with estrangement. And possibly lighten your heart and to know that we can come to a place of peace, wholeness and love ourselves regardless of whether our beloved children return to us or not.
I was officially estranged via an email over a year ago. That email arrived at a very challenging time. I had just been informed, after looking for a home for eight months the owners wanted to turn it into an Airbnb in the first month I had moved in, because they would receive more money. That triggered me into feeling a lot of uncertainty and a lack of security. Since Covid 19 rents have tripled, there is high demand and scarcity of homes. Receiving the email, I went into shock, guilt, and shame as I used to be an early childhood and felt I should have done a better job. You know all the critical self-talk, that can be so punishing.
I wondered, like you most probably, who can I speak to about this? The shame intensified and I wanted to hide that this had happened to me because I have coached women and have held powerful, transformational spaces, for over 20 years, supporting women through change and to transform their lives to live more authentically from their true selves. Who would understand me and this situation? And the grief we experience? I wondered how I can share this most vulnerable piece about myself, that my child has estranged from me? And wants to have absolutely no contact with me anymore. She shared that I am not her mother, and she is not my daughter. It hurt so much.
It hit me so hard, yet I overrode these deep emotional feelings because I was already in fight or flight mode around not having a home or any security. And I also had a beautiful dog, my companion and I had to take care of him and be responsible for.
Then the floods came, just to add to the pot of difficulty. A month later I was told I had to move out in four days. Then my dog suddenly just started to walk slowly. He was healthy and within a week, on Easter Sunday he started seizing. I had found out a few days before that he had a tumour on his brain and suddenly, I had to put him down. This was just devastating, it was the icing on the cake, and took me into a place where I just crumbled, and I just didn't feel like I really wanted to survive.
Facing into this I realised I couldn't do that because I knew I still have things to do on this planet before I left. I was sixty-three, homeless, estranged, heartbroken and grief stricken. I found myself in this place of deep grief that just took me down into like a dark, deep hole, some call it the dark night of the soul. I was certainly in that and here I was, this person who had worked with women supporting them with amazing tools to navigate difficult situations and transform themselves to live the life their heart desires. But here I was, and I just had to stop. I knew I had to honour this grief, I had to feel it ALL. I knew I couldn't override it because it would come into my body and in some way and create most probably some dis-ease down the track. So, I had to feel all this and find a way to walk with this grief. Yet I felt like I was in this dark deep hole and as you know, most of these days we just cry and attend to just our basic needs if we can.
I usually walk every day, which strengthens me mentally, physically, and spiritually. Walking in nature my mind has time and space to unravel and I release it into the earth and ground back into who I am. I also receive my intuitive downloads whilst walking, which guides and nourishes me. Usually, my soul thirsts for this but I had no impetus to walk, for nearly three months. But I did begin to walk with my grief and learnt to just be kind and gentle on myself.
You know that being estranged is such a heartbreaking time. And we have our usual ways to soothe ourselves and my go to is food, but I didn't go there.
I am blessed that I have a wonderful group of women I am connected with, in a spiritual way, my Priestess Sisterhood. None of which had experienced this, yet they “held me” during this time. But I didn't want to be a burden to people. I just felt like I was in quicksand of continual grief. You know what it’s like. You want to be able to speak to someone who really understands our situation. But I really didn't have anyone to share deeply and intimately with whom really understood.
After three months of feeling it all and beginning to walk with this deep grief I felt it was time to find a way to get out of the quicksand. I began to listen in and receive intuitive downloads to guide me out of that hole. I knew I had start walking again. I walked, I cried, I would drink in the nature and the beauty. My soul began to be soothed. I could feel the change beginning.
But a big piece for me was I had to repair my relationship with my greatest ally called the Great Mother. Like Jung who worked with Archetypes I work with 13 Feminine Archetypes, from the 13 Moon Mystery School. I have been working with for the past six years and has always had my back. But through this experience I had felt abandoned by her, which wasn’t true, I had abandoned her. I started to lean into her again, surrendering my burdens and rebuilding my trust with her. Like any Great Mother, you know, like us, we just want to hold our children and love them. We yearn for this. And she is no different. She just wants to hold us, love us, support us and take our burdens, so we don’t have to carry them anymore.
Then I began to use the transformation tools that I had used over 25 years personally and with so many women that I had served. And slowly I began to move out of this hole. With these two pieces I began to feel the change and the healing slowly began to take place.
I was blown away that intuitively I received that I was being called to serve and work with estranged mothers. This surprised me. At first, I thought how can I do that? I questioned it. I thought if I start talk about this and my daughter sees this. that will be the nail in the coffin for our relationship. I had to really feel into this and ask myself intuitively is this true for me to do. Because it was such a deep edge. And then I clearly heard her say to me “I want you to do this because the parents are in so much pain and estranged children are in so much pain, I want you to do this”.
It took a lot of courage on my part to reveal this is where I was being called. Of course, I couldn't just do that straightaway, I had to heal myself first and its no easy journey. As I continued to walk with this grief, following my intuition step by step, asking what was the healing journey that I needed to take? I followed that and it took a while. And eventually I came to a place of peace around being estranged.
I have done so many things to support myself in being estranged to come to this place of peace. There are days and times, especially birthdays, holiday times where I feel the deep grief and get triggered, which is normal but it's not the devastating place where I was. And when this occurs, I lean into the Great Mother for support, holding myself and my child in love, tenderness, and compassion. I feel the loss, but I know the “work” is being attended to on another level, where both of us are healing. This pain dissolves as I take care of myself, loving us both more again. And I love myself more than I have ever before. I had found this a huge challenge in my life before being estranged. I had chipped away at it for years but now I am now more committed to really attend to loving myself, which I know is a huge thing to do as a Mother and a woman.
This has been one of the biggest gifts from this heart wrenching experience. I now actually love myself. And that has been huge. It took some time. I felt like this new structure was building within me. Like a tree trunk has been growing within me. This solid structure, with my roots growing down into the earth to anchor me even more into my centre. Where I can really hold myself in deep love, compassion, and solidness, being fully connected with who I truly am. I have returned to my centre and grown deeper into my wholeness.
I feel like this tree has grown within me. And my solid trunk holds me. The branches have been growing out in sweet delight. The spring green leaves grow, dance in the gentle breeze, kissed by the sunshine. Through this estrangement journey, new growth like a rebirth has occurred for me. I am now rooted into a deeper, more aligned and resonant being and I am sooooo sooo grateful.
Because now I can hold myself and reach out my branches to sweetly touch the hearts of other Estranged Mothers, to hold, guide and nourish them. As I guide them back to Peace, Wholeness and to love themselves truly and deeply. They journey, tended by my love wisdom, my personal estrangement experience and transformation.
It is such an honour and a gift for me to serve Beloved Estranged Mothers. I am touched that I can make a difference in this place of being estranged and the suffering that can so intense. I now serve with all my heart and the gifts I have gleamed from this experience and the heartbreak.
My hope is that these words and my sharing of the transformation I have been able to embrace for myself as an Estranged Mother may bring pieces to you today and “lighten” your load.
Sending you so much love dear one.
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